431kmh/h at 14:21

23rd June 2009, 3.13pm

I have arrived, and dustily so. Have successfully navigated my way around a foreign country and its transport system which, in my opinion, might as well be monolingual.

Did you know that the gantry gates to the MRT in Shanghai look exactly like the ones in Singapore? Right down to the colour of the arrows on the sidebars. Only they haven't learnt the automated gates technique.

I have become extremely excited about being in new, unexplored land and kept smiling to myself in the MRT (Two Chinese boys thought I was a very queer personage).

On a sidenote, Shanghai's mulptiple unpaved roads and trolley bags do not make a good match. I keep clanking around.

Ethereal Places

23rd June 2009; 7.14am
So this is what the waking earth looks like.

(Although at this point of time, booking an 8.05am flight is an act that can only be termed as overly enthusiastic/optimistic)

I am sleepy but at the same time, so thrilled and exhilarated. It makes a strange combination because while part of me wants to run around the the travellators at the airport, another part wants to curl up on them and fall asleep to the hum of its strange lullaby, amidst unsuspecting travellers.

I can't remember the last time I walked so slowly.

And when it was 11 minutes to Gate A21 (nowadays they tell you how many more minutes it is to your gate which is crazy since people only care when they are late and when they are late, they will be late regardless of whether they know the time or not), I got scared. Of being alone; of getting lost.

Did you know that the colour of morning is a greyish green, with threads of gold?

In Between Here And Now

23rd June 2009; 4.40am

When you finally admit to yourself that you’re not sure of who you really are, the world becomes infinite. There’s nothing left to keep you in, but there’s also nothing left to keep you from falling off the edge of the earth. This uncertainty is terribly frightening, but it’s also oddly liberating: when nothing’s for sure, how many mistakes can you possibly make?

This, I guess, is my really strange way of explaining why I bought a plane ticket for one to Shanghai.

It's not true.
Only an afterthought, the pause after the full stop.
Have always been.

Lessons From History

Who would have thought that the ghost of Edna and her ATQs would still linger, among the residual remains of my Contract essay, no less. Although I really should be ashamed of myself, since ATQing should come naturally to any self-respecting Edna humanities student, it was one of those Sudden Grin moments that made everything seem less bleak.

But still, to ignore lesson from history would be undue folly. So now we know that the moment you get your exam paper, one should scrawl a large ATQ with vehement exclamation marks in some hideous colour, think of Crocs, and write as though your very life depended on it. Which was often true, in Edna's class.

Bless her and her ATQs, wherever she is.

In A Manner Of Speaking

A quiet Sunday afternoon, and I re-discover Jason Mraz's music. He reminds me that there is still beauty in the world, value in dreams and that not all pursuits are mindless.

I think I now understand Kaye's mania with him.

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
Though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
That this is just what happiness is

-- Jason Mraz; A Beautiful Mess

In Between The Morning and You

I eat a passion-fruit, two halves actually;
And watch the lone cherry barb swim on my bookshelf
Beside The Lovely Bones and Eleanor Rigby
Oh wondrous night
I wish you'd never end

Ellen, I think this sums it up

When I saw the break of day
I wish that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand

Matthew 6:2

"For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also"

I think the problem comes about when you have too many treasures because your heart can't possibly be in so many places at the same time. And, it's rather painful to discover what some of these treasures are.

With all that's been going around lately, I really am starting to wonder if I've too little time left. I know that Providence always enters and works in beautiful and unexpected ways, but with the rain pattering like small feet, and a thick and foreboding Textbook in front of me, it somehow seems rather apt.

The Grass Withers And The Flower Falls

All flesh is like grass
and all its glory like the flower of grass.
The grass withers,
and the flower falls,
but the word of the Lord remains forever

1 Peter 1:24-25

Yesterday Once More

you stared at us strangely
but after we had walked away
you hurried to the sign
and looked up at it
as though you were wondering why
we were examining it so intently

I hope you found your shard of beauty yesterday

The Monday Project

We wander on the left side

Collecting shards of beauty
To piece together the earth

The straight road ahead calls
And after the hand hits 12 thrice
My eyes are full

But I wonder if I have missed
The beauty that lies on the other side
In secret places I cannot reach
Because I chose the road ahead

We breathe in the air of what we never knew

No. 53 On The To Do List

No. 52 On The To Do List

Disinfect until Very Clean after romping around, sitting on the road, petting tumbling cats and generally, having a very lovely day. 

 

The Fear of Mediocrity

"I don't want this year to just be another change in the numbers on the calendar, quantifying the moments that have passed and the ones to come; a cacophony of days where each might as well be other. Because I think, and I want to think, that it could be so much more if only I were brave enough to make it such." (August 25, 2008)

"Help me not to dwell on yesterday, or worry about what will happen tomorrow; But to live each day for You, in all things, big or little alike.
Let not the dust of the earth blind me to that that has true and eternal value and put perspective in my eyes that I may have the wisdom to discern the important from the urgent and the bravery to do that which I must." - August 26, 2008

Oh dreams, surely you were meant to be more than just.

No. 52 On The To Do List:

Walk the entire stretch from Katong to Siglap.
Gumption; the world awaits.

I can't say I've ever felt like that.
And it makes me envious.
And wistful.
And somehow, like I haven't lived before.

The Name Of The Song Currently Playing Is Rock With You

I always tell Moonie that I can't think of any decisions in my life that I regret making.

Partially because I don't like to look back at things, much less with regret, but mostly because I don't like being wrong (And regret does tend to make you realize that you were wrong).

But occasionally I think about them. All those thoughts and words, frozen midway. It fascinates me that that if I ignored those thoughts or caught those words before they left, that my life could possibly be in an entirely different sphere. It becomes even more complicated especially since lately, I'm not entirely sure if those words and thoughts were really from me, or really just the person I wanted to be. So small, and yet so big.

No one will say that any of the decisions I've made are bad ones. But sometimes I can't help but allow myself to wonder if despite all that I thought I stood for and believed in, I made those decisions because, really, I was just too afraid to make them any other way. And that now because of that, I'm somehow missing out.

This is troubling.

Still, no regrets.

20 Is Just Another Name For Nostalgia

I know I'm supposed to be reading my Legal Theory about Senaca the Younger and Cicero-what's-his-face but!

Taken from MGS 4A3'05

You know you're from A3 when...

1. Your form teacher was enthusiastic about almost every class competition, and motivated the class to get the top prize for everything!
2. Your class was multi-national, with our dear scholars from Indonesia and Malaysia, who taught us bits of Bahasa Melayu (?) and received roses from their boyfriends at the school gate ;)
3. You skipped an entire school day to go to Suntec City with your class to watch Charlie & the Chocolate Factory for FREE :D
4. You were allowed to do the above because of your hard work in raising funds for the school, and winning the top prize :)
5. Your class shared a delicious lana cake from the teachers, to thank us for the amount of effort the Sec 4s put into raising funds for the school!
6. You secretly made hong bao lanterns during lesson time, to help your class win the lantern-making competition.
7. Your class won the aforementioned competition, achieving a grand total of 5388 lanterns!
8. Your class notice board was frequently updated by the Khoo Khoos, with news and updates on the Beauty Queen!
9. You looked forward to lessons in the com lab, usually during Mrs Tong's or YY Lim's periods
10. Your entire class dressed up as fairies/vampires during Teachers' Day
11. You own a red 'SINGAPORE' shirt from Hang Ten
12. our class would burst into random songs (merry christmas, happy birthday, etc) just to entertain your teachers!
13. You saw Jiayi fall off her chair during Geog
14. You mistook the cheesecake Keziah brought for class party for shepherd's pie
15. You did the total defence rap in retarded costumes
16. You did 'Come Out Baby One More Time' in fish net stockings
17. You know what Eddie did in his underwear
18. You are not hungry for anything to eat
19. You know how to 'play like that', and that an ant's life is tragic cos you get 'pressed'
20. You saw Daphne Khoo fall on stage
21. You heard Christine say 'Gender is an example of continuous variation'
22. The whole class turned their chairs around and faced the back of the class during April Fools
23. You greeted your physics teacher in chinese on April Fools"
24. You saw Gail pretending to faint and Shyna screaming for help during Miss Oon's class on April Fools
25. You saw funny business going on in the OHP cupboard
26. You loved singing teletubbies during math

Christine the Beauty Queen, you'll probably never read this, but No. 21 was total ownage.

That we might learn to face the trials of
Life and faith and hope
And nobly run the race

True To Daisy Buchanan

To Bimin: Remember that you must always be "Sophisticated". Much love.

Heal Over

Once in a while I find that I am gripped by this strange and whimsical, although sometimes overwhelming, sense of loss.

It seems that the more I live, the more I grieve. Not necessarily because there is more to grieve for (although sometimes this can be said to be true), but because with each year that passes by, there are more moments lost, more thoughts forgotten, more lost dolls and their dust tendrils that are being abandoned under the cupboard.

It's not that I am sad; neither am I in the hysterical throes of a midlife crisis. Rather, I am feeling loss in the sense of it being a feeling. Isn't that strange? I'm not even sure if loss in itself is a Feeling.

Oh I know. Even I get impatient with myself because I should really be living in the moment. But somehow the anticipation of growing up is much sweeter than growing up itself. The anticipation brings with it gleeful thoughts of legitimate rebellion, unrestrained freedom, uninhibited expression (as opposed to the sullen Neanderthal grunts of our younger years). And as for growing up, well, that just creeps up, unnoticed in the fanfare of the anticipation.

Until you feel Loss.

Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds