I can't say I've ever felt like that.
And it makes me envious.
And wistful.
And somehow, like I haven't lived before.

The Name Of The Song Currently Playing Is Rock With You

I always tell Moonie that I can't think of any decisions in my life that I regret making.

Partially because I don't like to look back at things, much less with regret, but mostly because I don't like being wrong (And regret does tend to make you realize that you were wrong).

But occasionally I think about them. All those thoughts and words, frozen midway. It fascinates me that that if I ignored those thoughts or caught those words before they left, that my life could possibly be in an entirely different sphere. It becomes even more complicated especially since lately, I'm not entirely sure if those words and thoughts were really from me, or really just the person I wanted to be. So small, and yet so big.

No one will say that any of the decisions I've made are bad ones. But sometimes I can't help but allow myself to wonder if despite all that I thought I stood for and believed in, I made those decisions because, really, I was just too afraid to make them any other way. And that now because of that, I'm somehow missing out.

This is troubling.

Still, no regrets.

20 Is Just Another Name For Nostalgia

I know I'm supposed to be reading my Legal Theory about Senaca the Younger and Cicero-what's-his-face but!

Taken from MGS 4A3'05

You know you're from A3 when...

1. Your form teacher was enthusiastic about almost every class competition, and motivated the class to get the top prize for everything!
2. Your class was multi-national, with our dear scholars from Indonesia and Malaysia, who taught us bits of Bahasa Melayu (?) and received roses from their boyfriends at the school gate ;)
3. You skipped an entire school day to go to Suntec City with your class to watch Charlie & the Chocolate Factory for FREE :D
4. You were allowed to do the above because of your hard work in raising funds for the school, and winning the top prize :)
5. Your class shared a delicious lana cake from the teachers, to thank us for the amount of effort the Sec 4s put into raising funds for the school!
6. You secretly made hong bao lanterns during lesson time, to help your class win the lantern-making competition.
7. Your class won the aforementioned competition, achieving a grand total of 5388 lanterns!
8. Your class notice board was frequently updated by the Khoo Khoos, with news and updates on the Beauty Queen!
9. You looked forward to lessons in the com lab, usually during Mrs Tong's or YY Lim's periods
10. Your entire class dressed up as fairies/vampires during Teachers' Day
11. You own a red 'SINGAPORE' shirt from Hang Ten
12. our class would burst into random songs (merry christmas, happy birthday, etc) just to entertain your teachers!
13. You saw Jiayi fall off her chair during Geog
14. You mistook the cheesecake Keziah brought for class party for shepherd's pie
15. You did the total defence rap in retarded costumes
16. You did 'Come Out Baby One More Time' in fish net stockings
17. You know what Eddie did in his underwear
18. You are not hungry for anything to eat
19. You know how to 'play like that', and that an ant's life is tragic cos you get 'pressed'
20. You saw Daphne Khoo fall on stage
21. You heard Christine say 'Gender is an example of continuous variation'
22. The whole class turned their chairs around and faced the back of the class during April Fools
23. You greeted your physics teacher in chinese on April Fools"
24. You saw Gail pretending to faint and Shyna screaming for help during Miss Oon's class on April Fools
25. You saw funny business going on in the OHP cupboard
26. You loved singing teletubbies during math

Christine the Beauty Queen, you'll probably never read this, but No. 21 was total ownage.

That we might learn to face the trials of
Life and faith and hope
And nobly run the race

True To Daisy Buchanan

To Bimin: Remember that you must always be "Sophisticated". Much love.

Heal Over

Once in a while I find that I am gripped by this strange and whimsical, although sometimes overwhelming, sense of loss.

It seems that the more I live, the more I grieve. Not necessarily because there is more to grieve for (although sometimes this can be said to be true), but because with each year that passes by, there are more moments lost, more thoughts forgotten, more lost dolls and their dust tendrils that are being abandoned under the cupboard.

It's not that I am sad; neither am I in the hysterical throes of a midlife crisis. Rather, I am feeling loss in the sense of it being a feeling. Isn't that strange? I'm not even sure if loss in itself is a Feeling.

Oh I know. Even I get impatient with myself because I should really be living in the moment. But somehow the anticipation of growing up is much sweeter than growing up itself. The anticipation brings with it gleeful thoughts of legitimate rebellion, unrestrained freedom, uninhibited expression (as opposed to the sullen Neanderthal grunts of our younger years). And as for growing up, well, that just creeps up, unnoticed in the fanfare of the anticipation.

Until you feel Loss.

Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds